Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
