he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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