i barfeds in our rink
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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