just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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