she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
