I feel like abortions should bother me more
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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