I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Randomize
