I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
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