even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
