Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Randomize
