Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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