she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
