Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
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