A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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