Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
