Fine. I'll sleep in my office
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize