that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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