He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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