People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
