too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I wish you could order shots online.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
