There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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