This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
