She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
