rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Randomize
