Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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