worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
