i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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