Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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