Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
