the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I've blown a few things in my day
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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