what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
