I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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