I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
