if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
