Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
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