Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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