Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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