I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
