My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
