I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
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