I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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