After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I'm like, not good at living.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I had to cum in my sink.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
