So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
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