There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
