your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
