So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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