so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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