I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
