He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
