Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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