I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
