I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Randomize
