my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
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