PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
